Bad Decisions

I am often guilty of rethinking and dwelling on the past. For example, instead of writing this post I was going to write specifically about my childhood status of “gifted” and reflect on the outcomes of that proclamation by the schools I attended. I’ve been down that road many times already and nothing good happens. I get depressed, angry, and sad. There are many things in my life that should have happened differently, but they didn’t. I’m here at my computer drinking vodka and triple-sec typing this post because I’m sort of tired of dwelling on these things. They’re not productive. I haven’t been very productive for about a decade. I have wasted a considerable portion of my life concerning myself with events that already happened and that I have no control over.

I’m not saying I should forget past events altogether. It’s foolish to forget where you come from, but I need to stop letting the past dictate how I feel right now. It should be used as a guiding mechanism and nothing more. So, in the future if I ever have kids, and I’m not too sure I want kids anymore, then I would certainly think long and hard about enrolling them in a program that separates them from their friends or class mates. The outcome for me was ultimately social retardation plain and simple. I am overwhelmed with stress and anxiety when I’m around people I’m not already comfortable with. Sometimes I can force myself to deal with it and on occasion that turns into a positive friendship or acquaintance.

Another issue that nags me constantly is my abandonment of my love for drumming. I cannot ignore that I was very much into drumming as a teenager. I suddenly stopped because I wanted to sell my kit for a whole $350. I couldn’t tell you what I did with that money, but I can tell you that I regretted the decision to sell it almost immediately and have regretted giving up drums ever since. So in the future I will use that experience to guide my (currently non-existent) children on a path that encourages pursuing something they are passionate about that doesn’t have to revolve around money.

Then there is the decision to not go to a proper college out of high school. I suspect this one will be a problem for me forever. It’s going to be very difficult to ever not dwell on this topic because I know there is a lot I missed out on through the college experience and the advantages to having a degree. The only productive thing I can do here is encourage any future offspring to not make that mistake. Going back anymore seems like less and less of an option. I will never be able to participate the way I should have participated: full time.

Oh well. Such is my life. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions and continue on that path pretty regularly. I sit, I drink, and I reflect. I need a hobby. I wasted a lot of money coming down to South Carolina that I could be using to pursue a couple of ideas for new hobbies. Bleh.